When Bonding with Baby Disconnects you from Everything Else.

Let’s talk momguilt. With or without maternal mental health issues… mom guilt is real.

I feel so much guilt for Taylor’s entrance into the world. Delivering under general anesthesia was nothing I ever expected. Even though I had absolutely no voice or options in any of it, there’s still so much guilt. Guilt that she was born alone. Guilt that in her first moments when she should have been comforted by Russ and I, neither of us were there. Guilt for not speaking up when I should have. For not demanding to slow things down and see Russ and talk about it before I was put to sleep. Guilt for not demanding to come off the IV pain meds sooner, because they clouded the memories of my first day with her.

Guilt that I detached from the rest of my family in order to bond with her. I think it’s normal for all moms to have a different relationship or connection with each child. Mason is and always will be my first baby. He is so incredibly sweet and good natrured, always worrying about everyone, giving us hugs, and telling us he loves us. At the same time, I hope and fear that my own anxiety, especially the debilitating anxiety that I was feeling in those first few months after Taylor was born… isn’t rubbing off on him. I don’t want him to worry so much. Sometimes when we yell at him or correct his behavior… he responds with “you still love me right?!” And I say “Of course! I will love you forever and ever no matter what”. I don’t want him to worry, I want him to always feel and know my love for him without question. Did I neglect him too much when Taylor was born? Did he watch too much tv? Did he feel like I wasn’t there, or that I was too involved with his sister?

I was so stuck in the flashbacks and reliving those events in my head for months, and stuck in my phone googling all things related to failed spinals and csections under general anesthesia…. that my family felt like I wasn’t there.

And for that I feel very guilty.

The bonding process with Taylor was a much more intentional bonding than what I experienced with Mason. When I pushed him out and they put him on my chest it was instant, I KNEW he was mine and I was always going to protect him. None of that happened with Taylor. Delivering under general anesthesia took away any memory of her birth. It didn’t feel like a birth at all. I didn’t remember meeting her, and in fact, when they told me they had her I remember feeling like that was impossible, that couldn’t be my baby, I didn’t birth by baby. It was such an awful feeling, and then I felt guilty for feeling that way, too. Like, this is my baby, I’m supposed to be automatically attached. But I was in such a fog and so confused.

When everything started to sink in, I overcompensated. I felt so incredibly attached to her because I felt so badly that she had to experience her birth alone, into a room full of strangers, and I wasn’t there to comfort her… and I was determined to be there protecting and comforting her for every moment after that. I felt such a strong connection with her, and so consumed by what we went through, that I unintentionally isolated us and detached from everyone else.

One of the biggest things I have learned while working through this experience is that its OKAY to feel momguilt. Its OKAY to have trouble connecting with you child, to not feel that immediate bond, and its OKAY to need help. I think as moms we feel like we SHOULD feel a certain way when we are handed our new baby, but that idea of “should” leaves us feeling guilty when we don’t. I’ve learned that its okay to have mixed feelings. I can be both sad for how her delivery happened, AND happy that she’s healthy, AND traumatized by the events that happened to me that day. It doesn’t make me any less of a mom to feel all of those things at the same time.

I feel like I’ve reconnected with Mason, kids are forgiving. He tells me I’m his best mama all the time. 😉 As a wife…I feel a lot of guilt that my detachment hurt my marriage and resentment grew between us, for I was experiencing something I couldn’t handle alone, and he was picking up my slack and stretched too thin everywhere else. I’m going to talk more about WIFEGUILT in tomorrow’s post, and about how postpartum PTSD has affected my marriage. And I’m going to set a goal to reconnect more with Russ… to show him how much I love him and appreciate him.